Since no one is paying me...

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In the world of professional astrology, it is standard practice to keep things positive. That doesn’t mean a challenging chart position won’t be acknowledged. My chart was once described to me as karmic punishment. But even if a seasoned astrologer lays out the hard facts, the nature of the conversation is constructive. You should never be left feeling bad about your chart. I think on some level, even the most learned practitioners know that this is just for fun.

I currently have no paying clients though, and haven’t in a long time. I’m a free agent, unchained by the shackles of positivity.

So I have no reason not to share that this morning I wound up in a rabbit hole of alarmingly negative astrology listicles. My favorite is "What personality disorder are you most likely to have according to your sign?”

The information I’m about so share are from the lists of morninglazziness.com and timesofindia.indiatimes.com. There was a lot of overlap, i.e corroboration. These are not my personal medical opinions.

Aries: Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Taurus: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Gemini: Dependent Personality Disorder

Cancer: Paranoid Personality Disorder

Leo: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Virgo: Borderline Personality Disorder

Libra: Masochistic Personality Disorder

Scorpios: Avoidant Personality Disorder

Sagittarius: ADHD or…Sociopathy

Capricorns: Perfectionism Disorder (A risk factor for OCD, apparently)

Aquarius: Schizophrenia

Pisces: Avoidant or Histrionic Personality Disorder

My favorite part of this list is one of the disclaimers that a site included:

“Even if your zodiac sign has the worst type of personality disorder, and you show its behavior as well, with a healthy and positive approach, its symptoms can be mitigated over time, and you can continue living a happy life!”

Really? Really, morninglazziness.com? Since you seem to think that I, a gentle Sagittarius, am a SOCIOPATH, I do not know if having a positive approach is going to mitigate my problems.

That being said, I do have ADHD.

What I think is positive about this list is that the signs that are often typecast as hurtful killers (Scorpio, Taurus), have the most innocuous personality disorders. Taureans are oft derided as the murderous dictators of the zodiac, it makes me happy that in this world, they are just prone to OCD. Although now that I think about it, you probably can’t systemically decimate populations without a smidge of said compulsion. And Scorpios, unfairly categorized as serial killers, will actually hurt you with their fear of intimacy. I also like that they identify Pisces as hysterical. Pisces are old souls, which I assume is the cause of this outdated diagnosis.

This list pleases me because it is a) ridiculous b) unfounded, and c) the future of medicine.

If you think that I’m a sociopath and hope that my day of reckoning will come, don’t worry. The New York Post has some news you’ll love.

And I’m one of them! It’s Virgo, Sagittarius, and Aquarius.

The Post definitely has some good astrologers on its team because this checks out to me.

They say Virgos will die alone because they feel no one will ever understand them, which aligns nicely with the previously cited Borderline diagnosis. Sagittarius because we are so independent, and Aquarius because they are just too fucking weird. As always, the Post has it right.

Also, not to make this entirely about me, but I’m number one on the list of “Four Zodiac Signs Most Likely to Need Rehab”. The other three are self explanatory.

A trodden upon joke by those who hate the sky is that the next genocide will be based on Sun signs. This is just not true. What I think will happen is that astrology leisure reading will become increasingly vitriolic, and in order to move through the world we will all have to look away. The future of astrology will be denying your true nature, not accepting it.

I am not a sociopath.

If this left you feeling negative, always remember that I am taking clients.